Before Daddy Leaves

Layla,

We have talked about this a lot in the past few months; Daddy’s job and what it means, and that sometimes it means he has to go away to work.  I had hoped for a couple more weeks before all we had talked about would become reality and not some far-off thing.  But life has other plans.

I have stopped and started, and stopped and started again, the conversation.  We get through about half of it before I have to stop.  I do not know how I will tell you what deployment means, or what will happen in the next few weeks. 

I do know I do not want to tell you.  I desperately wish I could not tell you, to hide the facts away, to pretend every day that Daddy will come home, and to come up with some wonderful cover story as to where he really is.  But I promised you when you were little, before your cord had even fallen off, that I would not lie to you, that I would tell you the truth about the life we lead.  The truth is always better than a lie, even a lie spoken with the best of intentions.

Not today, when the sun is shining and there are pages to be colored and buttons to be counted and pom-poms to be glued on.  At least, not now, while you were happily munching on popcorn.  I cannot bring myself to tell you what is going on now.  I need a few minutes, I need a few hours, I need a lifetime, really, before I am ready to tell you what is going on.

Daddy is going to war again.  Last time, he left just after we had made you, before either of us knew you were here.  That moment he came home, in the middle of the night, when I carried you barefoot across the grass on the parade field, the clock was ticking to his leaving again.  This is part of a soldiers life, this is part of our life, around a soldier. 

So, he is leaving.  He will be gone for a while, and he will miss us.  And I will teach you the time honored tradition of packing a care box, of filling out customs paperwork, of putting stickers and coloring pictures on a box that will travel halfway around the world.  We will miss him, and on the bad days that means watching videos of him, looking at pictures, and sometimes curling up on the couch and just hiding from the world for awhile. 

There are a few things I need you to know, before we start the hard season of life:

• Most importantly, Daddy loves you.  He is not doing this because he does not love you, or wants to get away from you.  He is doing this because he loves you; it is his love for you, and his want to protect you, that drives him. 
• It is ok to be sad.  Or angry, or scared, or any of the emotions that come with deployment.  Express them however you want to, and I will do the same.  You cannot bottle things up, you need to get them out.
• But do not let your emotions overwhelm you.  We will take breaks and deal with our emotions and sadness, and then we are going to get back into our life.
• Life will go on.  The same sun that will rise the day Daddy leaves, will rise the next day, and the day after  that, and the day after that.  And that same sun will rise on the day he comes back to you and me.  In between those sunrises, you and I will forge a life for ourselves, with as many happy moments as we are capable of packing into them.
• You and I have done this before.  You are a true Army Brat, you were born during a deployment, without Daddy with us, and we lived for a few months without him.  This is a path we have walked before, and although the surroundings have changed, the path has not. 
• The good days will come.  You and I will have good days, and when Daddy gets back, will have those perfectly golden days, and everything is perfect.  Remember those days, they will get you through the bad.
• There is a difference between the love Daddy has for you (and me), and his duty to his country.  We mean more to him, but his duty is important.  He swore an oath to defend his country, and he did that with you on my hip, and that means he made a promise.  Daddy does not break his promises. 
• I will not back down, break, or fall apart during this deployment.  As scared as I am, I will meet this deployment head on, and put everything I have into keeping us going through it.  If I teach you nothing else, I want you to learn how to be fiercely independent. 
• This will end.  There will come a day when deployment is over.  And homecoming might find us barefoot on the parade field in the grass, or wrapped up in winter clothes and boots.  But it will come, and Daddy will come back. 

I love you with all of my heart, and always will.  My love is not predicated on being the perfect child, or coloring inside in the lines, or being quiet when you should.  I love you for who you are, day in and day out, through the bad times and through the worse times, and through the good.  I have loved you from the moment I knew you were here, I loved you before I knew you.  I prayed and waited for you.  And Daddy loves you just as much.

~Jennifer  

Remember this, when the hard times come.  The love he had for you, and the love you had for him.  He will not fail us, will not abandon us.  Daddy's love will get you through the hard times.