The Summer of Me

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The summer of ’10 was all about Layla.  Carl had just deployed, I found out I was pregnant, and to soothe my bruised heart, I threw myself into being pregnant, reading books, researching pregnancy symptoms online.  By the time fall came, and I was out of my first trimester; I was a virtual walking encyclopedia of pregnancy.

And the summer of ’11 was all about Carl.  He was finally home.  We were putting ourselves back together, and following the words of wisdom from my mentors in Army life, I let him dictate the speed.  Building the family Brown was done on his time, when he had adjusted to life back at home.  I walked on egg shells and turned myself inside out to be the perfect wife, only to realize I could only be me.

But this summer, as the heat has broken records, as my 32^nd birthday stares me in the face… I realized this is my summer.  I take so little time for myself, I spend most of my time being the Mrs, being Mom, cleaning and doing laundry and making beds and finding socks.  I have realized, in the past few months that I was in danger of losing me,  I was getting perilously close to being nothing more than the Mrs. and Mom. 

There is nothing wrong with being the Mrs. and Mom.  Actually, it’s Mamama; Layla adds an extra syllable onto my name, as if to emphasis how much she needs me at that particular moment, even if she simply needs me to get her another graham cracker.  Both jobs, both phases of my life, are the best in my life. 

But a part of me wondered… is this it?  Has my entire life, all of my experiences, come down to just two parts in my life, which involve other people?  Have I lost all that makes me, defines me, solely, as one soul?  I know there are people out there who would call me selfish, who would tell me to focus on my family, to be thankful for what I have, and not reach for more.  I cannot so easily give up the person I was, before marriage and family, and rather than try to do so, I wanted to combine her with the person I am now. 

And one warm and bright afternoon, I realized, no, I had not lost it. I had an opportunity, to figure out what I wanted, to bring things into my life to enrich it, to do things for no other reason than I wanted to.  Than it seemed fun, it interested in me.  I had time to mix the gypsy, the wanderer, with the wife and mother.  While I am walking with my child, I need to take time to see the flowers she picks, for all their wild glory.  While I have loads of laundry going, I need to take that bubble bath.  Now that Layla no longer needs me every waking second of the day, now that Carl is settled into the routine of being home (although I will die of shock the day that man learns to pick up his boots from my living room floor), I have time to breathe, time to simply be who I am, underneath all the layers and labels.

So this summer is the Summer of Me.  This summer has seen me pierce my nose, open my own business, start the moves towards college.  This summer I will read more books, because I want to, take more pictures, work on craft projects, decorate a new home.  This summer I will disconnect from the computer, from my phone, and take some time to nurture my soul. 

~Jennifer