To Me

To a Much Younger Me,

I don't know where you are in life right now.  If you are struggling through that relationship that brought you such physical pain (it will only get worse).  Or if you are wandering like a gypsy, unsettled and unsure of yourself.  Or if you are trying, in vain, to keep a relationship together that was bound to come apart.  Or if you are healing your broken heart, little by little.  Or if you are wading through the pool of dating, and finding it a dangerous place for your tender heart to be.

But something is coming.  Someone is coming.  He's looming on the horizon for you.  

You will run from him, in various destructive and unhealthy ways.  You will fight him, and his love, for a long time, afraid of the life he leads, and what will happen to you in his life.  You will believe you are not strong enough, to stand behind him and support him, to stand up and lead the way when he is gone.  

This is not true, although it's going to take you awhile to figure this out.

The life he leads, the life that will creep into yours, is a hard one to live.  And you know that, it is why you are so afraid him.  But it is not insurmountable.  This life will strip everything you think you are, and everything you think you want, from you.  But it will leave you stronger, tougher, more sure of yourself, more independent, it will give you new wants and dreams.  Do not listen to the doubt in your heart, that says you are not strong enough, that he will not love you enough, that it is too soon.  Do not listen to the people who tell you this either.  Follow your heart, it will not lead you down the wrong path.  

The unmolded clay you are, that sense of aimlessness, will be molded, will be forged in the fires of deployment, training.  You will be formed in the months of a solitary pregnancy, your heart halved by war.  When the dark night of deployment lifts, you will find yourself with your family intact, a miracle in and of itself.  And you will find that the woman standing in the mirror, with more gray in hair than she cares to admit, with stretch marks and crow's feet; is a much, much better person, in so many ways, than the girl you are now.

And the Army will be good for you.  It will toughen you up, thicken that notoriously thin-skin, harden your resolve, teach you to be independent.  The freedom, the independence you complain of never having, as the baby of the family, will come.  But it will take a deployment to teach you what it means to be fiercely independent.  The Army will take care of you, and your child, answer your questions, keep you centered in the midst of chaos.  

You are going to find the best friends and mentors, women to pattern your life after, women to run to for comfort and support.  Women who can take one single look at you, the girl who prides herself on being unreadable, and know what is going on in your head.  You are going to be forced to come out from you shell, to emerge from the cave you hibernate in, and that too, is a good thing.  You'll find that out in the glaring sun of life, in the heat of battle, you not only survive, you flourish.  

And one more thing… that soldier, the one you will circle around, wanting but afraid.  Just give in.  He loves you more than life itself, and you will find, that in his own way, he meets every criteria you have ever wanted or needed in a man.  Not always the way you want him to, or the way you think he should, but the way that you need.  Just love him.  

~The Older, Somewhat Wiser, Jennifer

P.S.  Your firstborn child is gorgeous from the start.  She's also a hellion.  Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can.