Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me, I'd like to thank my lucky stars
That I'm alive and well
It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I'm alive
And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing, can't you see?
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I'm alive and well
I'm alive and well
I'm Alive, Kenny Chesney featuring Dave Matthews
Like she has done countless times before, my child is teaching me.
I should be the one teaching, while I was pregnant, I had visions in my head of sitting with my little girl, teaching her colors, numbers, the abc's. And those moments are coming, but first, Layla must teach me about life.
During the days after Carl went back to Iraq, Layla taught me that the world was still going to turn. For a few days we simply cuddled in bed, and life went from one bottle to another, from diaper change to the next. A few days after that, and she was smiling up at me, cooing, waving her fists, and I ventured out for the first time. A stroll around the neighborhood, a drive to the px, and I realized that I was going to have to live my life. I refused to live cooped up in my house, and have my daughter do the same. So where I have gone, she has gone, on one adventure after another.
And now… she is teaching me that life goes on. I sat down this morning, after I had cried, and made the first few phone calls, and explained to her very simply what had happened. That Aunt Judy had gone to Heaven, that she never got over being sick, and she had died. I know that she will have no memory of this moment, and I could skip this, not tell her about this; but Layla knew somehow, that Aunt Judy was sick, and I just felt that I owed my child an explanation, even if she will not remember it. After I was done, and crying once again, my little girl leaned forward, planted a slobbery kiss on my cheek, laid her head on my shoulder, and then…. she got down and toddled towards her favorite toy. Within a few minutes, while tears (and baby drool) dried on my cheek, she was jabbering at a stuffed bear, up ending a box of blocks, pulling apart pieces of puzzles. She was back to the living she does, every day.
It took a few hours, but after a nap for both of us, we went outside. The sky was that perfect blazing blue that my sister loved, when we would cruise around with the windows down and the radio blasting. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed with the pillows over my head. But instead, because Layla loves to walk, I walked with her. Up the driveway, and back down we went, she chased bubbles Daddy blew for her that floated in the air, and talked in that baby jabber that fills my ears non-stop it seems. Eventually I found myself standing in the street, chubby fingers gripping mine, as she took confident yet wobbly steps down past a few houses, before we went back in the house.
Someday, I will teach her the names for those bright colors she loves, she will sing the ABC song with me, and know her numbers because I taught them to her. But first, before we can get that far, Layla is teaching me more important things. Life goes on.
~Jennifer
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