First, a small explanation… I asked some friends for some inspiration in my blog. What would they ask a military wife if they could. I got some truly inspired questions, and some ones that require me to be painfully honest with myself. Beneath the armor I wear, beneath the trappings of Army Wife, are some heavy emotions, and real life struggles. All of the questions, all of the ideas I get, especially those that get at the heart of my life, are a glimpse beneath my armor.
And today… we're talking resentment.
Do I ever resent the Army?
I'd be lying if I said I didn't. The Army is forcing me to go through the hardest moments in my life, and do it alone. Deployment threatens to break me every moment, if I were to let it.
I am separated from the one person I lean on, who's shoulders are broad enough, strong enough, for me to lean on, he's not here to catch me when I stumble and fall. And he's not here.
At the end of the day… my love was not enough to keep him here. Duty to his country, to all of us, to the concepts of honor and courage, weight just as heavy as my love. Despite how hard I clung to him, how tightly I wrapped my fingers into his jacket, he still walked away. It is not that love is less than duty, it is just that, in the grand scheme of things, his country needs him. And that means more, than how much I need him.
That does not mean, that in the dark of night when I am alone, when I sat in front of the toilet battling morning sickness, or when I had an awful day, I did not resent the Army.
I support my husband with everything in me, even when it makes my heart bleed, keeps me up at night, and forces me to face my worst fears. I would do the same if he was a firefighter, an accountant, a janitor.
And the Army has been good to us in so many ways, and will continue to do so.
But when I face an empty bed, a pair of boots with no soldier to fill them, when the phone doesn't ring for days… yes, resentment wells up. I just have to fight all the harder to beat it back.
~Jennifer
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You're amazing.
ReplyDeleteAnd I resent that people do not appreciate the sacrifice military wives do for all of us everyday. Thank you for that! HH
ReplyDeleteCouldn't have said it better. As a wife of a deployed husband, I understand your struggles and the pride that you have for what your husband does everyday. I don't think anyone realizes the difficulties they face overseas or that we face here trying to live life while waiting for them to come home.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to remember life doesn't stop when they are gone and that you have to live your life to the fullest, not simply wait for the time to go by, all while supporting them while they are over seas. That has been one of the things I have learned over the years, this being his 3rd deployment in 4 years.
I hope that your husband gets to come home for 2 weeks for the birth of your daughter. Best Wishes!
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI would like to take a moment to let you know that your blog posts have been truly inspirational and a bright light for some of us who do not know what it feels like to have to do it all alone! Jessica shared a blog with me a couple of months ago and it has really made me become more aware of who it is I have the opportunity to serve here at work and what sacrifices you face!! I thank you for your continued support for our troops and for your husbands service!! You are a true inspiration and one morning I hope you look in the mirror and realize, I made a difference in a person's life by writing my life story!!!
Thank you for making that difference and touching my heart!!