Vacation

He would want me to go. He encouraged me to go, told me to have a good time, was patient while I lost phone service. Never once did he want me to stay at home, never once did he ask me to put the trip off till he was home. Never once did he overprotect or ask questions or do anything.

It still felt… odd. Not quite right.

I kept looking over my shoulder, expecting to see that familiar profile, I kept expecting to feel his hand on my back. I kept expecting to hear him laugh when I relied on gps to get anywhere, when I burned in just an hour or so on the beach.

I didn't expect to stand in the ocean, the waves washing over my feet and cry. I didn't expect to be struck by the loneliness more so out of the house, than I do in the house. I didn't expect, all those miles from home, to be overwhelmed by all the memories I have, that we have.

Foolishly, I didn't think, didn't realize, didn't understand, that the permanent ache, underneath my ribs, the one that makes it hard to breathe, where I think that awful hole I feel is visible, would follow me on my adventure. It did.

It brought one painful fact home to me… no matter where I might roam, no matter where I might wander during this year, I can not escape the fact that he is gone. That is going to be with me, no matter where I might be. There is no safe refuge from this storm.

~Jennifer