Mining

It's probably one of the best compliments I get, and it's never about my hair, my eyes, my ridiculous laugh with that snort when I laugh too hard, none of which has ever really mattered anyways.

"You have to be one of the strongest women I know, there is no way I could do what you do, everyday."

I always brush it off, and never really think about it. Last night, while laying in bed, holding my breath, and trying in vain to feel the baby move which is not going to happen, I was thinking about it.

I'm not really all that strong. If you see me, keeping things together, supporting my friends, watching the bank account, paying bills, remembering to shovel food into my mouth, being supported by my friends, laughing, herding kids around, all that stuff, and I look happy, it's because I am faking it.

In truth, I am weak. I don't like pain, I can't do more than about five pushups in a row, I cry when I get a shot, the sight of my own blood freaks me out. I am the opposite of strong. You don't see the tears because they come at night, when I realize the opposite side of the bed is empty. Or on the day I finally got around to washing the sheets he slept in last.

I am not an Army wife because I'm strong. I am an Army wife because of the Sergeant. If he was a policeman, I would be a policeman's wife, or anything else that he would want to do. I do this because I love him. I have two choices, be as strong and with it as I can, and thankful for the days I do get to have him; or walk away, and lose everything in life that I want the most.

My life is a painful paradox at times, to love the Sergeant is to lose him, periodically to a higher calling, a greater need, than me. I am not strong because that's who I am, I am strong because I have to be, because at times, there is no one else.

Among the many changes this deployment is bringing, besides my independence, is it digging out the steel in my spine, forcing me to be strong, when I want to be weak, forcing me to stand when I would give in and cry.

Iraq became a living, breathing entity to me months ago, the monster in my closet that was taking the Sergeant away from me, day by day. And now, it is the entity mining my personality, digging for the best of me, for the strongest in me, because it is going to take the best of what I am, to get me through the worst of times.

~Jennifer