Some raw honesty this evening

Forward: This is not going to be one of those funny posts, or one of those philosophical posts. This is me, really facing what bothers me the most.

I realized today, while having a woe-is-me moment, that as much as I am sad that he's gone, as much as I miss him, and as much as I want him back, I'm angry. I'm angry that the Army took him, I'm angry that he left, I'm angry that I'm left behind, to deal with everything that happens, to deal with all of life as it is now.

I internalize everything. The sun not rising tomorrow morning would somehow be my fault, and it's a daily struggle to keep the instinctive belief that all the wrong in the world is my fault, at bay. I can tell everyone to stand up for themselves, to not be anyone's doormat. I can't practice what I preach.

I say that… to say this:

I'm angry because he left me.

I'm angry because in the grand scheme of things, what I want, what I need, does not seem to matter. I'm angry because, at least for now, the Army is more important. That bumper sticker I saw the other day is very apropos right now, "The Army is my husband's mistress, and sometimes, I hate that bitch."

I've realized that my rush for perfection has been a rush to beat the Army at something, anything. It makes no logical sense, I admit. Whether or not I am the perfect wife, perfect friend, perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect mother, perfect everything; the Army is going to call, and he is going to answer it. Every single damn time.

And that's the part that sticks. The part I can not just wave away in a rush of pride and patriotic duty. That he will answer the call to battle, and leave me, leave our life, leave our children. It infuriates me, it is what drives the anger now, it is what has my nerves on edge, it is what has driven me into my own cave, like a wounded bear.

Tomorrow.. I will suck it up and deal with it. Tomorrow I will see the light at the end of the tunnel, tomorrow the eternal optimist will return. Tonight… I am standing in the dark. I am alone. And I am so very angry for all the reasons why I am alone and in the dark.

~Jennifer