The First Scare

It happens to every wife, during deployment. I know better than to listen to the multitude of rumors, the whispered news that no one knows if it's true or not.

But the first time the phone rang, with actual news, that's been a creature of an entirely different color. It wasn't my husband, it wasn't even in the same company. And the injuries were minor. So why has sleep been elusive the past few nights?

After mindlessly watching tv for hours, I forced myself into bed turned the tv off, and stared into nothingness for a small eternity, before I fell asleep. I woke up in the same position I had slept in, one hand on my stomach, one hand curled around his dog tags. Even in my sleep I needed the connection I have to the Sergeant.

This afternoon, in the warmth of the sun, I realized that my unease was also a heavy dose of guilt. While on the phone, after making sure that no one was injured badly, that everything was going to be fine, my first thought, the very first thought I has, was a thank you to God, that it wasn't the Sergeant.

I feel as though I am wishing harm upon another husband, father, son, uncle, cousin, on someone else's love, by wishing with everything in me that it's not my world that fall apart. The guilt is lessened because I'm fairly certain that every wife I know felt the exact same way, when the real news, not some smoke and mirror adaption, came out.

So here I am, caught between the unease of not knowing, the anguish of knowing a little, and guilt. And no sleep. I watch the stars in the sky, promise my child the world, and that includes a father, and say my prayers to whatever deity happens to be listening. I am sure my nerves will lessen, I am sure I will calm down and sleep will not be something I fall into only when I am exhausted. I am fairly certain the best sleep I will have, is when he is back home.

~Jennifer