Guilt

There are a lot of emotions of surrounding deployment. Loss, sadness, anger, stress. Guilt was not one of them I expected to feel.

I expected this to be a tough year, one with ups and downs, one that saw me tested and pushed to my limits, and one that saw me relying on my friends and fellow Army-wives to drag me trough the rough times. I foresaw movie nights, pedicures, shopping trips, crying jags and more chocolate ice cream than Ben and Jerry’s probably makes.

But guilt? What exactly do I have to feel guilty about? I am the perfect example of a tough Army wife, keeping it all together. I have nothing to feel guilty about.

And then, earlier this week, I stood in the bathroom, staring at a pregnancy test. Followed by two more. The almighty plus sign sat there, telling me that what we’re been hoping for, talking about, dreaming about in the most vague sense of the word, was rapidly unfolding. When the reality of my life, and this tremendous turn kicked in, I cried. Then I told the Sergeant, and watched him light up like it was Christmas. And for days, it’s been about the baby, and morning sickness, and fatigue, baby books and baby clothes.

This morning, as I lazed in bed, one hand laying on a stomach that hasn’t changed a bit, I realized what this truly means. He left before we knew. He won’t be back until my due date is here. In between now, are months of firsts. First ultrasound, the first time I get that kick in the ribs, the day I find out whether to decorate in pink or blue. All those moments that are so special, he won’t be here.

And rather than get angry, and yell and scream about the unfairness of it all. I feel guilty. In my rush for blissful happiness, with the Sergeant and a family, I forgot that having a baby while he’s deployed, means he won’t be here for any of it. No matter how many pictures I take, how many videos I make, how often I see him on webcam, how many phone calls we have, it doesn’t change that he isn’t here.

Virtually every moment of this pregnancy will be mine, while the Sergeant is half a world away. The Army may be the reason why we’re apart. But I’m the one that feels guilty.

~Jennifer