How do you let go? How do you unwind yourself from a life you have just made, just started, and let it go for a year, with no promise of ever getting that life back?
I’ve done his laundry, figured out how to put his patches on, I’ve learned Army-speak, registered with the FRG, been to barbeques, pool parties, and formal functions. I’ve learned to tolerate his 1st Sergeant. I have found myself immersed in this world, a world I still know little about. And now, when the evolution of Jennifer is complete, when the independent hellcat, has now turned into a wife, when I’ve learned how to balance school, with a life that never stops; everything is changing once again.
I hate changes. I grew up without a sense of stability, never knowing what was coming, and now, as an adult, I like stability. I like the same routines, my favorite pair of jeans is one I’ve had for years, I sleep on one side more than the other.
My heart aches with the coming loss, I am struggling to adapt to the changes that are coming. I’ve already changed so much, and just as I get used to the new changes, I must make go through a whole new change.
This time, the change is not addition. It’s not about adding something to my life, making something more out of us, about learning to share closet space, and how to do curl my hair while he’s taking a shower.
It’s all about subtraction this time. The camo will get packed, the endless parade of green socks, tan tshirts, gray pt shirts, it will all get packed up, and shipped away. And then he will leave. My heart will walk out the door wearing combat boots, and there isn’t anything that can stop it.
And now that I am used to being part of something, I do not know how I will get used to being the individual again.
~Jennifer
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