The final hours

I had hoped, prayed, and finally, made a long list of deals with God, to keep tomorrow morning from coming. I didn’t get an answer, the world never stopped spinning, and the sun will come up tomorrow.

This is standing on the cliff before the fall, with your toes curled over the edge, wondering how long the freefall will be, and how hard the landing will be. Although I do not wish him away any faster, I do wish for this part to be over with. The threat of leaving has hung over my head for months now, and I am ready to be done with at least this part of it.

I have so many plans for the year, photography and culinary classes, regular college, keeping up with the furry kids, decorating, planning for the next house, visits home, visits to friends. I think I came up with all these ideas just to keep the suffocating fear, the kind that has me up at nights, that leaves me crying when I hope no one is looking, at bay, for just a little longer.

Truth be told, this is the first year I’ll be mostly on my own. I’ve always had someone around, to deal with car problems, financial questions, how to make fried chicken, how to unwind a knot in my favorite necklace. While I am surrounded by Army wives here, who I know will help should I need it, I am facing the independence I worked so hard for. And it’s fairly scary. Since when am I competent enough to be the boss??

There is no stopping the inevitability of a soldier’s life, when the call comes, he will leave. I will countdown the time we have left together, over and over again, in the coming years. This time tomorrow I will probably be pulling myself out of bed, rinsing off the tear tracks and smudged mascara, and letting the dogs out. And then I will have to just get on with it.

Because despite my pleas otherwise, the world is not going to stop, the sun will come up, and he will leave. I will be the one left behind…. But in a year, when he steps off the plane, I will be the one standing in front of him.

~Jennifer