A new meaning

I have never truly been comfortable with Memorial Day. At its’ most callous and shallow, it is the unofficial start of summer, with barbeques, beer, and potato salad. At its’ most complex and deep, it is a day to look back, on those who have fought and died for us, and to honor their sacrifice. (That’s really starting to sound cliché). So it leaves me torn, between wanting to pile my plate full of food, watch my family toss a football around in the backyard; and the person in me that wants to spend the day sitting in front of a cross, letting the loss wash over me.

There are few who know the sacrifices the soldier, the airman, the seaman, the marine, make. Few who have carried that burden, few who they have let into their world. Most of us do not see the time away from family, the countless hours training, the miles of rucksack marches, all that they go through, to protect their country. Most of us are blissfully ignorant, and spend this weekend with a beer in one hand, and burger in the other. Even before my transformation into Army-wife, this dichotomy between what the holiday means, and what it has become, seemed weird. It seemed woefully inadequate to just say a short prayer of remembrance and thanks, before getting down to the serious business of a family get together, and remembering to slather on the sunscreen.

I rolled over this morning, and realized that time is dwindling away. That feeling I have, of working so damn hard to ignore the coming year, and deployment, left, and for a few moments, I lay counting up the mornings I have left, when I see the tattoo on his back just after I open my eyes. And in that hazy moment, before I am awake enough to get a grip on my emotions and tears will run rampant, I remembered the ones that went before. My own family is dotted with those that served, those that did not come back, and those that came back, carrying wounds not easily seen.

So this year, Memorial Day weighs heavily on me, testing at the resolve I have, to enjoy what life has to offer, to live in the moment and not in fear of something that has not come. Perhaps it is fitting that we are spending it together, watching movies, making tacos, and watching the world go by, and not out partying, like we have spent so many weekends before.

~Jennifer