A moment of insanity

So my afternoon plans were re-arranged, and I ended up in the Battalion TownHall meeting.

I am aware, distinctly aware, that every move I make and everything I say and do, can and will affect him. He is a career man, and this Army thing is going to be “our” Army thing for the foreseeable future. And as much as he is held up to a higher standard, so am I. So with this in mind, I changed shirts, changed jeans, changed purses, and actually gave serious thought to what I looked like. It’s not about if my boobs look good in a shirt, it’s about how presentable I look to the world, on his arm, as he made the first round of introductions. So I was pretty hyper about clothes.

And then we got there.

For the girl that hates crowds, will grocery shop at 2 in the morning to avoid lines and people, it was a nightmare. The press of people at my back, the scores of people in front of me, made it difficult to breathe. For a moment, I had the sickening sensation I was swimming, which hits me just before I pass out. Thankfully, the powers that be moved everyone around, and we found some seats.

It was mainly about what to expect in the next few months, a month of training, a shorter window of block leave, family groups to join, all that good stuff. I learned a lot, have all the important numbers I need, and even met a few people.

Every time I heard the word Iraq, I cringed. When he talked about phone calls back home, and ways to communicate, and writing letters, for a split second, I was teary eyed. I did get teary eyed on the way back home. But I have what I dreaded, what I did not want to know, and a set date, when he will leave. My head knows I need to know, need to have dates, and phone numbers, and papers ready and organized. But my heart, my heart stops a little, the steady, if fast, rhythm I’ve heard all of my life actually falters when I think about it.

And there a tiny voice, in the back of my head, telling me I am not strong enough. That I was fooling myself when I told myself and everyone around me, when I said I was tough enough. My greatest fears are staring me in the face, and there is nothing I can do the prevent them from coming. And that idea scares me more than anything I’ve ever faced.

~Jennifer