The pitter patter of little feet

Mother Nature’s comings and goings have been watched carefully these past months. I have already had conversations with the child-that-may-be, getting out of the shower in the morning, or laying in bed at night. Assurances that no matter how off the timing, how great the challenge, my child, our child, would be loved, wanted, would have a place in my life, and would be my greatest accomplishment.

And no matter what I have said or not said, done or not done, once a month, I have woken up to the cramps, bloating, and ickness that is my time-of-the-month. I still have a treasure trove of Midol and Advil, and my heating pad is tucked by my side of the bed, waiting for the next round of cramps.

Which brings me to my point… is it better to have that baby I keep dreaming of, with dark hair and bright blue eyes now, or is it better to wait til after, when the dogs of war are leashed, at least for the moment? To time it perfect, we would get pregnant while Carl is on r&r, go back to Iraq, and come home to a nearly due wife, who will probably be the size of a house. But do I take those first few months of a pregnancy from Carl, and not let him experience it? Do I risk that I go into labor early, and he misses the birth of his child?

And more importantly… do I dare risk raising my child alone? Can I handle losing him, and face life as a single parent on my own? And should that awful day come, when someone is standing on my doorstep to tell me he is gone, how would I tell my child?

But what if the worst happens… having his child would mean having him, a tiny piece of him, with me, no matter what. Would a baby be enough to soothe the pain of losing him, would a tiny life, dependent on me, be enough to keep me grounded, to keep me from shattering like crystal at his death? And can I place such a heavy burden, becoming my salvation, on such a tiny bundle of life, is fair to do so?

I have no answers for any of these questions, just a deep seated desire for a child, for a family; even as I face letting Carl go. I have only the faith that what is supposed to happen will happen, and that everything I long for will come to pass. And questions to ponder in the dark of night, when I have too many thoughts to even consider going to sleep.

~Jennifer