Packing his bags

In preparation for the two weeks he’ll spend in the field (just after I get here, he leaves… love that.), he packed his bags last night. And like the Girlfriend of the Year that I am, I went through the list with him. I was also curious about what the Army wants you to bring with you for two weeks in the field, and it’s a ton of stuff.

And while watching him, the icy cold fingers of fear wound their way around my heart. And squeezed as hard as they could. For a moment, I couldn’t breathe, and I struggled to find something to hang onto, to keep me grounded.

The moment passed fairly quickly. But it left me with an overwhelming sense of…. Not quite dread. Unease. Over every typical moment, wrestling on the living room floor, piled on top of one another watching tv, there lurks a black shadow. It is time, the passing of time, as it slips through my fingers. No matter how hard I pray, how much I wish, the world is not going to stop. The sun will come up tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. The seasons will change from winter, to spring, and then, summer. And as the summer sun warms my skin, grows freckles across the bridge of my nose, and sunburns my shoulders, he’ll be packing to leave.

It was not the cold of winter that had chills skating down my spine, it was the knowledge that with each passing breath, each minute, I grow closer to a dreaded, hated date.

And it stands as a reminder, to make the best of things. To love him as much as I can, in the here and now, to memorize the feel of his skin beneath my fingers, to listen to him breathe in the quiet of night, to laugh with him, to walk with his fingers curled around mine, to lay my head on his shoulder.

I will not face the coming months in abject terror, struggling to keep the tears at bay. I will instead, live in the moment, treasure every second I get with him, love him more than I have before. I will be here when time takes him from me, and I will be here when time brings him back.

~ Jennifer

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